I tell him I’d rather not talk about it. I tell him I don’t know what I think. I tell him I don’t have an answer to his question: Do you like to have sex?
We were doing fine, weren’t we? Two rowdy but adorable little boys. A baby girl on the way. Our lives were good—pretty great, actually. Why does what seems comfortable, good-enough, need to be questioned?
In a marriage—when is good enough, good enough?
Our lives, before Justin’s question, were comfortable. I was comfortable. Justin was always my safe place, particularly regarding sex. Before getting married—and before meeting Justin—initiating sex with boyfriends was the way I felt beautiful and powerful and in control. I wanted to prove I was worth loving, and, for years, before getting married, I thought sex was a way to do it.
Now, here, after being married for years, my kind husband pursued me, asking me gently, curiously, if I liked sex. And I wanted to run out into the hallway of our third floor condo, in my nightgown.
His question wasn’t, would you like to have sex more often—or, would you like to try something different to shake things up. His question was, do you like it?
It was a question I did not want to answer—which made it the exact question I needed to be asked.
It took my husband pursuing me, noticing I was hurting inside from all those years of feeling shame about sex, to prompt me to seek deeper healing. I had convinced myself, for years, that pretending everything was fine was the only way to live. And my husband, who thought differently, wasn’t about to let it go.
You may not face the same struggles Justin and I have faced regarding physical intimacy. You may not have felt the need to run out the door when your spouse asks you an innocent question about whether or not you like sex.
The question I think is worth talking about here, as the holy entangled, is the value in spouses pursuing one another, even when the topic is something tricky or uncomfortable to talk about.
Justin’s pursuing me with that question prompted me to pretty much just freak out (and I don’t think I can blame it completely on the pregnancy hormones). Him asking me if I liked sex was a question I needed to answer. And while I wasn’t ready or willing to discuss that topic with him―it was my intense reaction to the topic—my not wanting to talk about it—that made me realize this was an area in me that needed healing.
Running away from a problem, ignoring a troubled past, refusing to seek healing for personal wounds—all affect our marriages, whether we admit it or not.
Is there anything you are feeling you need to address with your spouse? Is there any area that you are avoiding or that has been a point of pain in your relationship?
We know it is hard to have these discussions. We know it is hard to be willing to change. We are here to encourage you, pray for you, as you listen to where God is leading you in your marriage. We are the holy entangled—in the middle of this journey with you—and we want to make sure you know you’re not in this alone.